Archive for the ‘Friendship With Your Ex’ Category
When Your Boyfriend Wants To Be Friends
Finding out that your boyfriend wants to be friends can come as a real shock. You probably weren’t expecting it and think that it is a bolt from the blue. You obviously don’t want to be just friends with your boyfriend, you want a lot more, but how can you convince him that he wants you romantically? The trouble is that you can’t. Trying to convince someone of their feelings for you will never work. You shouldn’t have to plead or cajole someone into feeling something for you, it is either there or it isn’t. So the last thing that you should be doing is trying to make him see sense. He feels the way he does for a reason and you have to be mature enough to give him his space to work things out on his own.
If you manage to pull off the guilt trip on him and convince him that being just friends is not a good idea, do you honestly think that you’re home and dry and have nothing more to worry about? You will just be putting a sticking plaster over an open wound. If you don’t address the problems then you will only make things better for a short while and he will decide later on that he wants out for good. Sort things out now, once and for all.
What To Do When Your Ex Boyfriend Wants To Be Friends
It may sound incredibly counter-productive, but if you want to keep hold of your relationship you will have to let your boyfriend go temporarily. You have to take some hard decisions now for your relationship to be stronger in the long run. Your boyfriend has told you this for a reason, it just can’t be brushed under the carpet where you hope for the best. Reality is a lot different to wishful thinking.
The first thing that you should do when he drops the bombshell is to remain calm and not get hysterical and unreasonable. Finding out that your boyfriend only wants a friendship with you is heartbreaking but you have to face it head on. You know yourself that something has gone wrong somewhere to make him feel like this. It isn’t necessarily your fault either, but you need to face up to the fact that there are problems, only then can you fix things.
Your boyfriend wants out. I know that is hard to hear, but you have to understand that you cannot keep him chained against his will. You will appear much more mature, attractive and reasonable if you give him what he wants and respect his decision. No one is saying that it will be easy, but you have to be strong here and walk away. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you will never have a chance with him in the future, but right now it won’t work and the more you prolong the agony, the more he will resent you in the end.
What To Say When You Have That Conversation
You have to be honest with him. If you are hurt and want more than a friendship you will obviously tell him this so that he knows where you stand should he change his mind in the future. You shouldn’t just accept everything on his terms either though, you matter too.
Now that you are just friends, it doesn’t mean that he can have all of the benefits of a friendship with you with none of the commitments of a relationship. This will make you feel like crap, you will feel used and it will be difficult to interact with him. If he only wants a friendship you will have to make him realise that there are consequences to this. You can’t be available to text him and chat to him whenever he feels like it. There are now very definite lines that should be drawn in the sand. If he wants a break from you it will have to be a clean break.
You have to ask yourself if you can really handle being his friend when you want so much more? Will it not be soul destroying being around him and pretending that you are happy with everything? What if he decides to go and get himself a new girlfriend? You will be watching in the wings with a fake grin and he will expect you to be happy for him. Don’t do this to yourself.
If you really want more than a friendship with him then you have to know what works and doesn’t. The last thing that you want to happen is that you slip into the friend zone for good and he stops seeing you as anything more than that. So, when you have the breakup conversation with him, tell him that you respect his decision and that you only want him to be happy. Let him know that you want more, but that you are walking away.
If you can prevent yourself from being emotional in front of him then it is for the best. Appearing mature and in control are very attractive attributes and you will make him wonder why you are taking it so well. Maybe he will question whether he got you wrong all along and whether he made the right decision to break up with you. Remember that you want the relationship to end well so that he is left with a very positive impression of you. This will dramatically increase your chances of getting him back in the future. If he knows that you aren’t hysterical and don’t hate him, then he will be much more likely to approach you and open the lines of communication down the line.
Your Alternative – Beg, Plead and Lie
What is the alternative to walking away with your head held high? You can do what most girls do in your situation and have a complete meltdown. You wouldn’t believe some of the stunts that women or girls will pull to keep a man in their lives when he wants to be free.I am sure that you have heard of bunny boilers who become irrational and controlling and make up huge lies to entrap their boyfriends. These kinds of women are unstable and highly unattractive to the opposite sex. Do you really want to be this kind of woman?
Look at this girl? Is she really someone that you want to be emulating? Does she look happy? You cannot use anger, aggression, threats or guilt trips to keep a guy. It just won’t work. You want him to want to be with you out of choice, you want him to be happy and in love with you. That is why you have to do things differently . When you beg your boyfriend to stay with you it will have these results:
1) It Will Make Him Resent You
When you try to make someone do something that they don’t want to they will ultimately end up resenting you. Think about it. If you were put in this situation and someone forced you to stay with them when you didn’t want to, how would you feel? You would feel suffocated, unhappy and angry towards the person that is doing it to you. It is no different for him. Not only does it make him resent you, it will drive an even bigger wedge between you, make him see you as controlling and snuff out any feelings that he had left for you. When this happens you will be putting an end to your relationship for good. There will be no hope left for your relationship in the future.
2) He Will Avoid You
Do you suddenly think that if you convince him to stay with you, he will suddenly become the most attentive and caring boyfriend ever? I’m afraid that it doesn’t work like this. All of the problems that were in your relationship to start with will now be magnified and he will become even more distant. You could find yourself leading the single life in every way but name. Your boyfriend will make excuses and say that he is busy, little by little he will try to extricate himself from the relationship and your life and before you know it – it’s over.
The last thing that you want is for your boyfriend to be avoiding you and desperate to get away. It is soul destroying and it will make you feel like crap. It will also make him feel sorry for you because you are so desperate to keep him that you will put up with any kind of behaviour, ultimately making him lose respect for you.
3) He Will Pity You
The last thing that you want from your boyfriend is pity. No genuine romantic feelings or sentiments of love will stem from pity. For your boyfriend to love you and want to be with you in a romantic way, he has to respect you first. There is no respect in pity. He has to see you as the kind of girl that can handle being on their own, someone who is independent and confident with themselves. He will not see these attributes in you if you are begging him to stay with you. He will see someone who is completely different – needy, desperate, pathetic, demanding, controlling, unreasonable, vulnerable. You aren’t this person and you should be doing everything that you can to make your boyfriend see this too.
Just because your ex feels sorry for you, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he will stay with you either. Do you really want a relationship that is based on pity or a sense of guilt? Make him respect you instead and you will attract him again.
4) He Will View You As Unattractive
When a girl is crying, pleading and begging someone to stay with them, saying that they cannot imagine their life without them or being needy, a guy will want to escape. They cannot handle this kind of behaviour and feel trapped. Not only that, this type of behaviour is highly unattractive to the opposite sex. If he already wants to end the relationship, finding you begging him to stay will make him want to run for the hills even more.
The truth is, he probably expected this kind of behaviour from you, knew that you still loved and wanted him and would do anything that you could to convince him that he felt the same. The trick here is to use reverse psychology on him. Give him something that he wasn’t expecting. When you refuse to behave the way he expected it will make him change his view of you automatically.
He thought that he had you pegged, that you would react unreasonably. Don’t give him what he wants. Be calm, mature and accepting of the situation and just walk away. This will make him question his decision to end things and his mind will go into overdrive asking himself ‘why is she taking it so well?’, ‘was she planning on breaking up with me too?’, ‘does she not have any feelings for me any more?’. What you are doing here is subtly planting a seed in his mind and letting it germinate. The best thing is that you don’t have to do very much at all, just remain focused, calm and strong.
Why Your Boyfriend Just Wants To Be Friends With You
Before you can even think of trying to get your ex boyfriend back or make him attracted to you again, you have to understand the reasons why he wanted to end things in the first place. There is probably more than one reason why he decided that he doesn’t want you as a girlfriend any more and he has probably been thinking about it for some time. He is not going to be honest with you and tell you the real reasons why he only wants to be your friend either. He wants to spare your feelings as much as possible and end things cleanly so that he can extricate himself from the relationship without much stress and fuss.
Guys are rarely upfront about why they don’t want you romantically any more. That is why you will always hear platitudes like ‘ it’s not you, it’s me’ or ‘I just want to be single.’ These phrases are used thousands of times to cause as little pain as possible. They don’t want to have to explain themselves or get into a heart to heart about how they are feeling and why. They are worried that you will try and convince them that they should give the relationship more time. This is why they will come up with generalised phrases that don’t specifically blame you for the demise of the relationship. They just don’t want to go into the details and drag things out needlessly.
As bad as all that sounds, there are things that you can do to get to the heart of the matter yourself. Female intuition is a powerful force. Think back to the weeks and months preceding your split. When did the relationship start to go downhill or were you completely oblivious that anything was wrong?
There will be loads of hints and clues at the time that you never thought anything of, but now that you know how he felt, they will suddenly all make sense now. He could have been making more and more excuses to spend time with his friends instead of you. If you were talking about the future and plans, like holidays, staying with your parents, buying a house together etc, he might have avoided such conversations or changed the subject. Maybe he seemed distant in the weeks before his talk with you, he could have said that he had a lot on his mind or lied that it was due to work pressures, but something about him was not the same. Did he ever say anything to you about not liking marriage, or trying to convince you to take each day at a time instead of planning the future? These are all sure signs that his heart wasn’t in the relationship. Now we have to work out why.
The reasons below could give you some insight into why your boyfriend doesn’t want to be with you any more. Bear in mind that his reason to leave isn’t necessarily your fault, but it is useful to get some self awareness and dissect why the relationship has come to an end.
Reason 1 – He Could Be Bored With The Relationship
The initial feelings of excitement and fun at the beginning of a relationship will soon fade after a few weeks. After this time both people decide whether the relationship is worth continuing and if there is anything more to base the relationship on other than lust. After a few weeks you will really start to get to know each other and see if you fit as a couple. You could have been together with your boyfriend for weeks, months or even years. Whatever your individual situation is, most relationships will become stagnant or monotonous over time when the ‘honeymoon period’ has ended.
Did your boyfriend seem disinterested in you this past few weeks? Did you settle into a routine where you each knew where each one was every second of the day and had a set plan for the week? There is nothing wrong with routine, but you have to spice things up and have variety to keep a relationship alive. Maybe you didn’t go out any more and make memories together, so he thought that the better option for him was to be single and spend time with his mates. No one is saying that you have to entertain him constantly, he is not a child. However, to forge strong emotional bonds with someone you have to experience things together. The more memories you make with someone, the closer they will feel to you and the harder it will be for them to leave you.
Reason 2 – He Might Like Someone Else
As hard as this is to face, you have to accept the possibility that he is interested in someone else. Think back to how he was acting this past few weeks. Did he give any hints that there was someone else? Was he texting someone secretly and grinning at the replies? Did he seem to be spending more and more time on Facebook? Was there anyone in particular that he talked a lot about? Maybe he was spending time with someone at school or work and he developed romantic feelings towards her. He hasn’t necessarily cheated on you by acting on these feelings, but he knows that he wants something to blossom with this new girl, that is why he could be ending things with you.
If you are friends with him on Facebook look at who he has been chatting to or what he has been liking or commenting on. If a girl has taken a sudden interest in his wall it should be obvious. Please don’t let this detective work slip into a bout of stalking. It will make you look mad and unhinged. Also, don’t read into innocent comments too much or you will become paranoid.
If there really is someone else you will find out in time. Your friends will be trying to protect you and will tell you anything that they notice or have heard. That type of secret isn’t going to remain private for long.
Reason 3 – He Felt Suffocated
Guys are different to girls when it comes to commitment. Whilst you may have been happy dreaming about the future together and discussing plans, he will have been slower to talk about the future. Guys don’t want to feel trapped, especially at a young age. A lot of men worry about potential bunny boilers who want to control every aspect of their life and force them to put a ring on their finger. Men will only commit when they are ready and too much talk of the future will put him into a state of panic and he will do everything that he can to escape.
It is normal to want to spend every waking hour with your boyfriend, especially in the early days of your relationship. Every thought is consumed by him and what he is doing. You want to ring him all the time and spend hours on the phone, just to hear his voice. If every aspect of your existence revolved around him then it wasn’t healthy and he might have started to feel stifled and controlled.
Did you constantly ask him what he was doing, who he was with and where he was? Did you insist that he texted you when he was out? Were you constantly leaving him little romantic messages on his phone or Facebook? You might think that this is sweet and he will love it. Yes, it can be cute in small doses, but guys will not appreciate these constant little messages like us girls do. He will start to feel obliged to reply to every single one. He will worry that you are coming on too strong.
What guys prize most is their space. They still want to maintain a sense of identity when they enter into a relationship. They want to continue with the things that they did before they met you. If you take these things away from him he will become unhappy and feel controlled. He needs his guy time, just in the same way as you need your girly time.
Reason 4 – His Feelings For You Might Have Changed
The truth could be that he just sees you as a friend and not in a romantic light. After the initial honeymoon period has passed he might be reassessing your relationship and realise that he was just in lust and not in love. It is difficult to accept that the guy you love doesn’t feel the same way about you any more. There is very little that you can do if in fact he is not interested in you romantically. Feelings just don’t work like that. You can increase the chances of him liking you and being attracted to you if you do the right things though.
The last thing that you want to happen is that he starts placing you in the friend zone indefinitely. Once you agree to be just friends he will start seeing you as just that – a friend. When you are in the friend zone it is very difficult to get out of it again, so don’t slip into this trap and be there for him as a friend, hoping that he will change his mind about you some day down the line. You have to have more respect for yourself than this and he will too.
Reason 5 – He Didn’t See A Future With You
Maybe your boyfriend just saw you as a stop gap and someone that would do for now. It is horrible thinking that you could have been used and that he was just entertaining you until a better option became available. When guys are young they will tend to go with the good time girl or someone that is fun. When they mature and start thinking about their future and who they see as a wife, their needs change. People grow up and their tastes change over time. Maybe he just saw you as a girlfriend and not a future wife.
Sometimes two people just aren’t compatible. He will only start to learn this as the relationship progresses and as you get to know each other better. Maybe your dreams for the future conflict with his. You might want children and he doesn’t. Maybe your moral and religious views differ and he sees this as a bone of contention that could drive you apart in the future? If you don’t have the same interests or dreams then it is difficult to reconcile the relationship. Perhaps he worried that you would hold each other back and he would prefer to find someone who can share his dreams and desires.
For a guy to see a future with you, he has to respect you first. You have to want the same things and you have to be at the same stage or on the same journey. People change so much, especially during their twenties. The person that he fell in love with maybe isn’t the person that you are now. You can’t change who you are for him though. Sometimes people just outgrow each other and their paths are different.
How To Make Him See You As More Than A Friend
If you find yourself in the unfortunate position of being in the friend zone, there are things that you must do quickly to get out. The longer that you are in the friend zone, the more likely it is that your ex boyfriend will only see you as a friend and never anything more.
If you are the one that is making all of the effort to maintain communication with your ex boyfriend it is time to stop. When your boyfriend said that he just wanted to be friends with you it is obvious that he didn’t really mean it if he isn’t putting in any effort to stay in your life. Sometimes it is just something that guys say, a kind of consolation prize, knowing full well that you wouldn’t really be friends as it would be too awkward.
This is unfair to you as you are desperate to remain in his life in any way possible. You have to understand though that begging for scraps is not good for your self esteem and confidence. You deserve more than this. He will also fail to see you in an attractive light when you are desperate to hear from him all the time and seem happy enough to do what he wants. This is why you have to get out of the friend zone as quickly as possible. The longer he sees you in this negative pathetic light, the less chance you ever have of making any kind of impact on him again.
The first thing that needs to be done is to stop contact with him immediately. If you are always texting him and asking him how he is, don’t. You are not the reliable doormat that he wants you to be, you have a life of your own that you should be getting on with and showing him that you deserve more.
When you cut contact with your ex boyfriend it will be effective in a couple of ways. Firstly, it will start to make him wonder what has suddenly happened to you. You were always so attentive and dependable, ringing him and checking in to see how things were. When you aren’t doing that anymore he will know that something is wrong. This will drive his mind wild with paranoia, are you dating someone else? Are you over him? Are you angry with him? Only then will he be forced to start making an effort with you instead.
Another positive aspect of no contact is that it will start to make him miss you – something that he didn’t expect to happen after the break up. You see, he always expected to have you in his life in some way, even if it was just as a friend. If he was down or bored he knew that he could rely on you to help him out because you still care about him. He is only thinking of himself here and that is entirely natural.
The thing is though, you don’t want to be seen as just a shoulder to cry on. You want him to desire you and see your worth. This can only happen if you are strict and implement some barriers between you both. He will never really know how important you are to him until you remove yourself from the picture for a while. This also means that you stay off Facebook and don’t comment on it or let him know what you are thinking. There has to be distance and no sign of you for this to work. He has to feel the loss of you in order for him to wake up and realise exactly what you mean to him.
What you should also be doing to get out of the friend zone is to be concentrating on attracting him again. You know what he liked about you in the first place, so work on those aspects of yourself and make him see the old you that got lost somewhere along the way. Another vital aspect of attraction is to be independent and busy. When you have a full and interesting life, guys will automatically be attracted to that and want to spend time with you. Don’t let your ex boyfriend think that your life is over now that you are not together any more. Let him know that you have a fun and interesting life and he will sit up and take notice.
There are many more aspect of attraction that you should be implementing into your strategy. Get things right and you will draw him back to you by making him desire you again. This guide will help much more with attracting guys: Capture His Heart and Make Him Love You Forever.
Your Next Step – Get Him To Desire You And Contact You
Getting your ex boyfriend to desire you again is the first thing that will make him see you as more than a friend. So how do you do this? Take a look at the system below. There are specific strategies that you can start implementing today to dramatically change the way your ex boyfriend sees you. It is all about understanding the male psyche and what makes them tick with regards to attraction.
There are certain attributes that a girl has that will attract guys and they have very little to do with how you look. The way that you carry yourself, your personality, that certain allure, can all have a huge impact on a guy. It is time to find out how to ignite his passion for you again and make him regret the breakup. When you understand how to get him to want you romantically again, he will be much more likely to reach out and contact you.
There a subtle techniques that you can use now to draw him to you and make him want to text or ring you. Best of all, he won’t even know that you are doing anything to cause this dramatic change in his thinking. Watch the video and find out more.
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